I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
