He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
