then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize