This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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