She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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