At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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