Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
