you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
