True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
