I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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