wrigley field is MILF paradise
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
