the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
