I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
