I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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