everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize