LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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