I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
