When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
