My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
