I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
