I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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