Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize