i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
