I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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