I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
