Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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