you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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