I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
