Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I faked an abortion last night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
