Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
