Midget sex pt 2 tonight
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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