bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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