If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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