I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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