Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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