Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
