I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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