is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We are all done wearing pants today
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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