I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
