I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
