i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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