His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
