how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
