got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
