The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
