I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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