I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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