I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't deserve a penis
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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