I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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