1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
