Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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