mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i would punch a child for taco bell
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
