Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
