I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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