I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I use my feet as sexual weapons
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
