Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
