I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
