I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
