you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
