i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
