Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
