I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
