Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
