That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
