"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
