I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize