Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
