Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
